Leaching my soul

 Image from Brighton Argus

I'm finding it hard to remain positive at the moment. It feels like every day I have the audacity to feel ok somebody comes in and throws a hand grenade at me.

Dad's chest is a lot better and I've already mentioned that Mum's episode wasn't a stroke (though I'm still uncomfortable that they didn't find out what it actually was). There's nothing I can do to worry about son and his medical issues until we have the next set of bloods. The latest dose of meds seem to have made my ear a lot better. So I should be feeling great, right........................

It's been a difficult January for the reasons mentioned above. On top of that there's things I've been helping mum with, she's got a new car and it's too complicated for her. So I spent a few weeks trying to persuade Toyota to give her extra support and won. Only to discover that mum had found a friend that could talk her through things (thanks to the friend, my hero), but as a result all my efforts were wasted.

Then I keep getting random messages saying things like can you call dad and tell him how to use his nebuliser. Now I don't use a nebuliser, never have - so the answer is, no. But I rang anyway and I think that we managed to sort things out. 

Then another message - there's no asprin can you get us some. So I went online and it said that there was a shortage of asprin - and if you used it you needed to ask your GP for an alternative (mum needs it for her heart). So I went to the shop to double check there wasn't any and then told mum the GP advice. Only to be told that she and dad had been to the shop and got some. 

Then their TV blew up and the electrics shop wouldn't fix it on warranty, so I spent time researching the make and model only to find out that that model had a 2 year and not 3 year warranty. So I let mum know this, only to be told that she'd found that out a week ago.

I'm happy to try to help them out with these things, but I have so little spare time and all of this research and organising means that I am either working or I'm trying to sort things out for them. I don't have time to do my own to do list. There simply isn't time to get to it.

I still continue to cook lunch for them once a month - something I'm very happy to do and they seem to like it because it gets them out of the house and we're together as a family. So we've set the dates for 2026. I did mention that if it was easier I'd be happy to either drive to them with food that can be heated up - or we could go to a local pub for a pub lunch, but she is adamant that they want to come to us.

During all this I suggested to mum, that whilst it was her decision, I thought perhaps it was time for her and dad to move into some sort of sheltered accommodation. Mum said no because they still loved the garden and dad refused to move. Because of dad's dementia I said to mum that she needed to consider that if something happened to her dad would need to move. We couldn't pay for care because that would need to be paid for with the proceeds of their house - it's a catch 22 situation. One way or another dad would need to move - and clearly mum is beginning to struggle being the main carer (which to be fair must be incredibly hard).

Part of the reason dad's chest got so bad was because they kept going out. When it was really bad mum was worried they'd miss a theatre trip in London. So I said that I would be happy to drive to their house after work to sit with dad whilst she went to London. No small thing because it would mean driving for an hour and a quarter after a day's work and then driving home late and then getting up at 5.00am to make sure son up for school and dog walked before another day of work. But I was obviously happy to do this if it meant that mum could continue with her theatre trip. In the end both mum and dad decided to go to the theatre together. 

Whilst they were recovering from their medical events I offered to come and stay for a week and even arranged with work that I could work from a different location. In the end this wasn't needed. But it wasn't easy to get that arrangement sorted.

On top of this there are two celebrations for my parents this year. It's their 60th wedding anniversary and also dad's 90th. Mum is keen to do some things and I've said that I will happily organise (though mum is adamant she will help). I sent her a whole range of ideas of things that could happen. From things as simple as a celebration meal at mine to a private room at the Ivy (several locations suggested, including ones they could take a taxi to) and I also suggested the barge idea that mum did for her 80th and a garden party at their house (which I would cater). Mum leapt at the barge idea - we haven't discussed it further and it may or may not happen, but that's not the point, I'm just setting the scene.

Don't get me wrong, as my family (husband, son and I) are all on the spectrum, we don't do social events. We avoid them like the plague, I haven't had a party myself since I was about 15 years old. I hate them. I can't do small talk and frankly I find them massively stressful. We have been to parties, but this is only so that we can support the people holding them, they are not somewhere we have fun - in fact husband and I try to get away from them as soon as we can. Though I admit we've held parties for our son, but that's different. Those were parties for him - though he now hates parties to and has no desire to have another. So let's be 100% straight this is not me pushing for a celebration, it's about me supporting mum.

Then on Friday after a week of work I was relaxing for the first time and the phone rang and it was mum saying that dad absolutely must stop driving (quite clearly he should) and when they were at mine for lunch she wanted me to tell dad this. Though she anticipated he'd be quite upset and my brother was coming too and somehow we needed to persuade him and for him not to feel like he was being ambushed.

Now I totally agree that my father shouldn't be driving, but he's threatened mum that he'll commit suicide if he can't drive (and with my father this isn't an empty threat). But at no point in my life has my father ever taken advice from me. I have literally no way of knowing how I'm going to approach this situation. It's weighing heavily on me. Personally I think that my parents need to take responsibility for their own actions - what do I do - take the keys away??? I just don't know. Mum raised this because when they were out there had been a prang (a van went into them) and dad didn't even register it and was about to drive on. This is clearly terrifying because it puts others lives at risk. So the conversation needs to be had, but I don't know how.

On Saturday my closest friends (who I don't see that often sadly - lack of time and they are a distance away) started saying we needed to book flights for April. Something I'd completely forgotten about. The other 2 are off to see a comedian I hate and so I'd agreed I would fly up to Scotland to support my friend who is in a wheelchair and then sit and wait for them whilst they saw the show. Not only had I forgotten about this, but I'm absolutely brassic this month, my money is going down not up and I still need a new car. 

I explained this to friends and they said it was fine they would meet up together. Though it wasn't until about an hour later I remembered that my friend who lives near me can't travel alone. So then needed to backtrack and say of course I'd support her (which I am very very happy to do). She said it was fine she could travel alone - and now I feel like a complete dick. I left it with her that if she got cold feet she should let me know and I'd immediately be there to support her with the journey. I reiterate I am 100% happy to do this. However, it's during Easter weekend and I have the family coming for Easter so I'd need to fly up on the Friday and back on the Saturday and then prepare Easter lunch for everybody on the Sunday.

Then on Sunday night my sister-in-law (not ex yet because brother and her haven't officially split) rang me up in tears because she was so worried about my parents and started to lecture me about how much my mother was struggling. Then started to talk about the celebrations saying I mustn't put too much pressure on her to have a celebration. The way she was talking was like she knew my parents better than I did and the fact that she kept going around in circles saying things like 'you just don't appreciate just how stressful organising things would be for your mother'. 

I managed to bite my tongue for most of the conversation, but the way she was talking was like I wasn't there for my parents and didn't realise they were struggling. Both she and my brother are very rich and spend 90% of their lives travelling. So the fact that she comes back into the UK and gets overwhelmed because she suddenly finds things are hard - must be difficult for her. But I'm the one that is here 100% of the time and trying to deal with this, whilst still having a kid that is at school and juggling all of that - along with working full time. 

The problem is that none of these people that are firing all of this at me are still working full time, none of them are trying to cram moments of relaxation into very small windows. 

I'm desperate to help my parents, but at some point they need to give way. I literally cannot help them if they refuse to make changes with their life. If they refuse to go into sheltered accommodation, change what they do at the weekends so that they can minimise the requirement to drive. I am at a total loss about what to do.

I've seen so many of my friends in this situation completely give up their own lives. To give up their job and go and live with their parents to support them in this time. Then by the time their parents do either move into a home or sadly die, my friends have no life to move back into. They are unemployable, they have no money and most of them have re-mortgaged their home. They then never have the opportunity to retire and live in total poverty for the rest of their lives.

On top of this, I have my own family. My son is still at school and he must be my number 1 priority. The only way I can do more for my parents is to give up work and to give up on my own husband and son. I'm not going to do that - they are my priority.

So it's all very well my ex sister-in-law making out I'm not being supportive. But I'm not the one that has retired and is travelling the world and has a huge pot of money that will see them living comfortably for the rest of their life. 

Needless to say I'm not in a good place right now. I'm torn between feeling depressed, powerless and completely and utterly furious.

Let's lighten the mood: This week's photo is taken from the local rag. A nostalgia piece about Hastings. Given that I spent huge amounts of time in Hastings from 1990-1991 - as a young adult. It's somewhat depressing that that period (or just before) is now a nostalgia piece in the newspaper!!!!!