As I'm starting new job I purchased some black out curtains. So I could engage with my new colleagues without them wondering why I was calling them from heaven! These were due to arrive on Friday at the latest.
On Friday I received an email to say 'whoops sorry' but I wasn't going to receive the curtains on time and in fact I wouldn't get them until 29th. Now this was annoying - but what sent me into spasms of fury was the following phase 'We are unable to process cancellations during the pandemic and so it will be necessary to wait. We recognise you are excited about freshening up your home, but this delay is unavoidable'.
1. How they thought it was acceptable to just delay the order and refuse any action is quite beyond me.
2. How completely patronising is the comment about 'freshening up your home'.
I was completely fuming. As I'm not backward in coming forward (did you notice?) I sent them an email explaining that this wasn't just about me doing 'pretty things', but actually important because it was about making sure I had the best start in a new job. I refrained from pointing out that buying curtains could be for a whole range of other reasons such as house fire, not being able to sleep, stopping a peeping tom from looking in etc. etc. etc. But I did point out that they may want to remove the sentence about freshening up your home as I felt massively patronised by it and others may too (I really was spitting fire).
To be fair on them pretty quickly I got an email back asking me if I wanted them to look into why the order had been delayed. My name was spelt incorrectly, but at least they were showing interest. Here I was very restrained and didn't say OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO LOOK INTO IT - WHY DO YOU THINK I EVEN WROTE TO YOU. Instead I sent a gentle response saying..... 'yes please'.
The next email made me crack up with laughter. Obviously they were finding me irritating and were obviously in a rush, their unconcious feelings came out. The response was simply......
"Dear Harlot,
I confirm we will look into this for you."
I'm saving this email forever. I literally cracked up. Showed it to husband who just raised his eyebrows and carried on reading. Obviously he's wanted to sling such an insult at me for years (though maybe if I was a Harlot he'd be quite happy - who knows).
Aaaaaaanyway, I wonder if the person that mailed had a moment of white fear after sending. As I just received a mail to say the curtains will arrive today. So keep your fingers crossed.
So that's the tantrum - what about the ghost?
When we took out our old tv table in the room we're doing up, we discovered some of the last house owners terrible DIY. Really they should never have been allowed near any home improvement. Everything they did is a disaster. This one related to trying to get TV cables into the house. We don't actually need these as we have a dish, but the house is 50 years old so at some point they will have gone from tv arial on top of tv to various upgrades for tv reception.
Behind the old TV stand were about 200 dead woodlice (yuck I know). Also from one of the unused sockets you could see drips of water. It was really raining hard outside. I went outside to take a look and saw that there were huge holes in the wall - going straight through to the inside. Needless to say I did some DIY - I got some of that expander foam stuff and filled the holes.
That was the other day - just now I went outside to review my handywork - make sure I didn't make the same mess as last time (I'll come onto that). As you would expect if you've used this foam before it looked a bit like a mutant mushroom factory - but nothing I can't sort out once the weather improves.
The holes are around the side of the house in an alley that leads to our bike shed. As I looked at them I saw a reflection of a man in the window. That confused me. Behind me was a wall, I looked left and right and there was nobody there. Deciding I was having a funny five minutes I continued to look at my handywork. Sure enough there once again was a reflection of a man in the window AND HE WAS MOVING TOWARDS ME. The first thing I thought was 'ghost' (yes really).
I screamed, the man in the window jumped and looked up. I was my son................
So I mentioned we were doing the room up - one of the things we've done is to remove the blind that covered the window behind the TV. I've put a sheer curtain there instead. Turns out it wasn't a man standing behind me - it was my son in the room in front of me - on the other side of the window. For heavens sake - just don't tell anybody about this moment - let's keep it as our secret!!!!! #onedge
Perhaps my nerves are just a bit more shattered than I recognised.
I mentioned using the foam before. This was years ago, husband and I bought our first flat together. It was in a converted house. Gorgeous flat with stunning Regency fireplace that was about 6 foot high and 7 foot wide - made of marble (which many of our friends said we should rip out!, we didn't we loved it). Our bedroom was at the back. It was just big enough for a wardrobe a double bed and a chest of drawers and only big enough for those if you were careful where you trod.
The room was utterly freezing. The night we moved in we didn't yet have a bed, but we did have a futon on the floor. As I lay on my futon before sleep I noticed that under the window there was a 2 inch gap - right along the window. This 2 inch gap had nothing between it and the sea - needless to say it was something of a wind channel.
Next day my boyfriend (now husband) went out. I popped to the DIY shop and discovered foam that expanded to fit gaps. I was most excited by this. Now I'm not one to actually read instructions. So I wasn't aware that you sprayed it into the gap - but left space for expansion and that expansion would increase and set when it came into contact with water.
When I came home it was tipping down with rain. I thought 'I'm going to do this now so the rain doesn't come in'. I shook up the can and gave it a darned good spray. The foam expanded and started to drip down the wall - huge great hanks of it. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed kitchen paper. For the next hour I was in this instane situation - the foam would expand. I'd grab a sheet of kitchen paper and wipe the great globules of foam so it was back to where I needed it, then it would expand again and I'd wipe.... and it would expand again and I'd....
After about 20 minutes I was giggling histerically (I obviously hadn't become a friend with stress yet) and the pile of kitchen paper was getting bigger and bigger. Slowly the foam expanded slightly less and slightly less and then it stopped. I suspect the biggest issue was that it was raining heavily so the foam kept getting watered!
Anyway, end result - it filled the gap and I was very proud of myself. Until about 2 months later. Our flat was 3 storeys up. For some reason I opened the window and was gazing down the outside of the building from our window (can't remember why - but I was). As I did this I noticed that the building I lived in now had an ENORMOUS growth on the side of it - about 4 foot long and about 1 foot fat - a huge foam mushroom growth in bright yellow. Obviously as well as expanding inside it had expanded otuside.
We lived there for 2 years - the whole time we lived there I expected a ring on the door - I mean it must have been obvious where it came from because the trail must have started at our bedroom window.
Fortunately the door never rang (well not for that reason - I do have friends in case you wondered).
Aaaaanyway, as both the hissy fit (Harlot) and the ghost ended up as positive things that actually made me laugh - I just wanted to share it with you.
Don't worry - I promise not to take a photo of the curtains there are levels of bordom I really will not put you through.
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